ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
EDIT: ONLY A WOMAN WOULD WRITE THAT…

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!! Pocket Tazer Stun

Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a
pocket
Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something
at
Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was
our
15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my
wife Julie.. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized
tazer.
The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat
to
safety…..??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I
was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue
arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the
face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There
I
sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul)
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try
this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought
about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of
it.
She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my
wife
to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would
work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses
perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and
tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All
the
while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less
than
3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy,

bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’ What
happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.. .?

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side
as to say, ‘don’t do it dipstick,’ reasoning that a one second burst
from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to
give
myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to
my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE
HELL!!!

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and

over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,

with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles

nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest

position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I
had
never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the
fireplace,
obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all

over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a tazer, one
note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a
violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be
considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE H+LL!!!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally
was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed
88
lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I

believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my n+ts and I’m
offering a
significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife, can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the

gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid

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